Being A Brown Daughter: How I Grew Up Thinking It Was Only Women Who Made Compromises

Men and women are not equal and I learned it the hard way growing up. "Girls always have to compromise, come to terms with it today or you will regret it," my grandmother would always school me on being an ideal woman as I aged. No matter how flawed society is for real, it always has a set of mould for women. A perfect woman looks attractive, knows how to cook, isn't curvy, selfless, respectful and above all, compromising.

The Little Things

I grew up seeing my mother making compromises everyday. No matter how small those settlements looked, I began to realise how a woman's life was no longer her own if she gave in to the adjustments. From what she wanted to eat to what she wanted to wear, she hardly made any choices for herself. I was expected to follow the same road. I would often envy my younger brother for being a male, he had all the freedom to live his life, his way. None in the family anticipated much out of him. From his clothing choices to education goals to work dreams, every decision he made was accepted with open arms. On the other hand, every choice I made was either belittled or questioned. On being questioned, I got one common answer, “You have to eventually get married, be for your husband, or in-laws, bear kids, don't compete with your brother, he won't be going anywhere.”

'Girls shouldn't be given a lot of freedom or it gets difficult for them to survive later in life', the idea was now deeply ingrained in my mind. 'Let them eat first, all us women will eat later', I agreed. 'He is a boy, he can go on trips with friends', I gave up convincing my parents over time. My family told me it wasn't a good idea for me to get into law because it was male-dominated, and I agreed. 'That neckline is plunging, pick something covered, if your husband allows, wear a top like that one after marriage,' I gave up again. I spent the majority of my life full of compromises, life demands it, they said and I conformed.

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"Girls Have To Adjust"

Over the years, I got used to terms like 'adjustment', 'compromise', and 'agreement' don't surprise me a bit. I was in my early 20s and my mother started looking for rishtas. My weekends were usually booked for rishta meetings. We would have an arranged set-up with the families sitting on either side. I recall the first ever 'set-up'. The boy asked me how would I take out time for the family if I am at work for nine hours every day. I had no answer. His dad later called home to inform they weren't interested if I chose to work post-marriage. This was one of the many cases where I got rejected for my career choices. Every time we would get a similar call, everyone in my family would ask if I would want to reconsider giving up my job post-marriage. My grandma would tell me 'girls anyway quit their jobs are marriage, why not now?', 'girls have to compromise after marriage, it will not be your home where you can do what you want', 'you will have to listen to what your in-laws say or your marriage won't last'. I am sure I am not the only woman who was schooled on the benefits of compromising in a marriage.

Today, married, and a mother to a little girl, I continue to work. However, this freedom to live my life on my terms comes with a price. While I continue following my dreams, managing things at home, and trying to strike a balance, questions like 'Are you doing enough for your family?', and 'Why not compromise' do often arise but for me, there is no stopping now.

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While I feel blessed to be making choices for myself, I realise that the majority of women continue to struggle and have to settle with what they get because the idea of 'compromise' has been deeply ingrained in their heads.

High time we start teaching our daughters that they have all the right to live their life on their terms and choose the route they want. All these years women have given up their lives in the name of compromise and I think it is time they start pondering, 'How much compromise is too much compromise'.