Being A Brown Daughter: When Final Rites Of My Father Were Reserved For My Younger Brother

Growing up, I had to deal with the most irksome and gendered stereotypes and complaining didn't help. Being the only daughter in the family, I was always kept in a cocoon, far away from the real world because apparently it was just “too unsafe” for me. My freedom was curbed at every turn, right from stepping out late at night for parties to going for vacation with friends.

As the elder daughter of the family, my prime responsibilities included taking care of the family, marrying well, learning how to cook before getting married, being homely, avoiding alcoholic drinks, not getting mad at things, among others.

On the other hand, my younger brother didn't have to face any silly stereotypes. From an early age, he was trained to be the primary family caregiver and, given meaningful responsibilities. He was always given the duty to protect me and my mother in the absence of my father.

Even after the demise of my father, the role of performing the final rites was reserved for my younger brother. As the eldest child, I wasn’t asked to step forward for this last duty and I wasn’t surprised. However, I ended up lighting the pyre anyway.

When I Performed My Father's Last Rites With My Younger Brother

We were shattered after our father's sudden demise. When we reached the cremation ground, the priest asked my younger brother, the son, to step up to perform the final rites. To ignite the funeral pyre, my brother was asked if he had an elder brother who could come forward to light the pyre. My younger brother pulled me forward instead and we both performed our father's last rites.

Theories “Supporting” The Patriarchal Norm

I am certainly not the first woman to light my father's pyre. Multiple women in the past, including some celebrated names, have performed the final rites for their parents. However, such incidents still have not managed to put an end to age-old traditions that wheel around the son performing the last rites. There are many popular theories supporting such norms and they are bizarre to bits.

“It Prevents The Attainment Of Nirvana”

According to ancient beliefs, if the daughter lights the funeral pyre, the deceased doesn't attain moksha and continues to be a part of the cycle of rebirth. Contrary, it is believed that if a son performs the final rites, the deceased is freed from the cycle of birth.

“Women Are Weak Hearted”

One of the most common theories that support keeping daughters away from their parents’ last rites suggests that women are faint-hearted as compared to their male counterparts and hence would beunable to bear the pain of performing the funeral rites.

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“Women Stay Back Home And Take Care Of The Family”

After there is a death in the family, women are expected to take care of the family and all the relatives arriving to pay their last respects. In Hinduism, women aren’t expected to head to the cremation ground, they stay back and sprinkle gangajal (holy water) when the males of the family return home after performing the last rites.

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“Only The Successor Lights The Funeral Pyre”

Many theories supporting this custom also suggest that it is only the successor of the father's assets who has the right to perform the final rites.

“Women Attract Ghosts At The Cremation Ground”

Many families continue believing this ridiculous archaic belief that also encourages the males of the family to shave off their heads ahead of performing the last rites. According to this belief, since the daughter will not be able to shave off her head, she will attract ghosts with her long hair at the crematorium and come back home with negative energies that would further have a bad effect on the rest of the family.

It is time, we move over questioning these patriarchal norms and get to changing our mindset. It might be hard to entirely change the world we inhabit but let’s start with treating our daughters better.