Finding Happiness After Abusive Relationships: 3 Women Share Their Stories With Us

Trigger warning: Mentions of sexual abuse

After the Shraddha Walkar murder case, there has been a highlight on abusive relationships. Women are often forced to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of their relationships and marriages, even when it comes with intense abuse and toxicity. However, some of them choose themselves before anything else and manage to thrive after getting out of habitual violence and cruelty. This is the story of three such women who talk about the shame and struggles they went through while starting their life afresh after coming out of toxic marriages and relations.

Choosing peace and self-respect

Like any other teenage girl, Garima Sawlani had dreamt of a loving and happy family, but destiny had carved a very different path for her. After being married for 13 years, Sawlani chose to dissolve her marriage that was already falling apart due to infidelity and violence, which was witnessed by her young son too. She had never imagined that her spouse would be so abusive. Only much later, she discovered this side of him.

“He did not think it was important for him to earn for years, and I was forced to take up a job leaving my six month old son at home. While I was busy studying further to improve our earnings and simultaneously handling household responsibilities along with a child, he was the one enjoying an easy life and having multiple affairs,” she said.

At one point, her ex-husband started talking about remarrying and asked Sawlani to put up with another woman in the same house. However, during the confrontation he kept blaming and gaslighting her into believing that it was her who couldn’t keep him happy and made enough effort to make the relationship work.

This time she realised how much she had compromised on her self-respect and decided to call it quits and shift to a new city with a new job. Sawlani prepared herself for the challenges of being a single mother rather than going through a toxic environment everyday.

She was then faced with society’s taboo reaction to her ending the marriage. “Your friends, relatives, and even your own parents have all the advice under the sky to reconcile and get back, but they can’t comprehend what abuse you have been through,” she said.

What helped her move forward was to provide an enriching and loving household to her son, her education and career. They were the guiding force to keep her from losing hope and not paying attention to the judgements passed by the people around her. “My convictions of not worrying about people’s opinions grew stronger,” said Sawlani.

There were times when she felt torn emotionally and mentally, but during this upheaval seeing her career flourishing as a school principal and her son turning into a more confident human being helped her see the silver lining. She started becoming more open about her marital status and less ashamed of it. Her proximity to children in school made her a strong advocate of the fact that each child deserves a wonderful childhood, free from hatred, anger, and violence around them. Today, she is proud that she made the right decision. “Remember that being a parent, whether single or not, is learning about the magic you did not know you could create, and the courage you never seemed to have,” she concluded.

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Abusive from the get go

Sanjana*, a 25-year-old political consultant, was coerced into dating a senior colleague at work. At first, she did not want to give in but he started manipulating her work performance and signaled to her that she would be fired if she rejected him. Sanjana agreed to go out with him on dates, which changed his behaviour towards her and he started being nice to her. The whole arrangement was fear-based harassment.

She started looking for other jobs, but in the meantime she was stuck in the situation. This was just the beginning. On the first date itself, he asked her to marry him and learn his mother tongue, which seemed odd. “It was way too early and I felt uncomfortable,” Sanjana said. She was also assaulted. “He tried to kiss me on my lips, but I managed to keep him away. However, after dropping me at my place, he forcefully grabbed me and kissed me so violently that my lips began to bleed. He also choked my throat and I was completely startled. It was an isolated area during midnight, and I did not know what to do,” she added.

After work, he would try to hang out with Sanjana that gave her shivers down her spine due to the anxiety of being with him. He even sent sexually explicit texts to her, which made her squirm with disgust.

He pushed her off a chair that gave a back injury because of which she was hospitalised. She used this injury as a reason to resign from the job and escape from his clutches. She packed up all her things the next day, took a cab, and moved to her sister’s place. She decided to convince him that they were ending the relationship on good terms otherwise he would haunt her forever.

Sanjana was traumatised after this ended. Through therapy, she realised that she had abandonment issues, which made her stay in the toxic situation. She also received a lot of backlash from her previous colleagues who questioned and accused her of having a relationship at work.

She talked to a few friends and fellow feminists who helped her overcome the trauma as they shared a collective narrative of experiencing abusive partners. She has decided to stay single for a while to build herself back. This year was a turning point for her as she progressed in her career.

Her advice to women stuck in abusive situations like this is to develop financial security because she feels she was few of the luckier ones to have a supportive sister who gave her a space to stay after she lost her job. “Always have a separate bank account and don’t give your partner access to it. Try to save as much money as you can. Have an emergency fund. Leave that relationship in a planned manner to stay safe as physically far away as possible because toxic partners can stalk you. And if you can afford it, seek therapy to get a new perspective on how you view relationships and yourself,” Sanjana said.

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Young in love

Anushka Agarwal started her relationship when she was merely in 11th grade. Her now ex-boyfriend’s friends persuaded her to get into the relationship despite her concerns. Slowly she started to fall for him and got serious about the relationship due to his manipulative nature. The saviour complex in her got triggered when he emotionally blackmailed her by saying that only she could help him as he was suffering from substance abuse. It got to a point where she was pushed to kiss him to make him feel better, not out of consent, but sheer necessity.

He also made her cut off her friends as he was insecure about her spending more time with them, and male friends were a big no-no as he would feel that she was romantically involved with them.

After a year, Agarwal found out that he was cheating on her and blamed her for it. He gaslighted her into believing that she was the reason he had to seek another relationship as she did not give him enough time. “He screamed at me and made me feel like a doormat. I was still stuck in a relationship I did not like because of my own nature,” she said. However, a lot of women choose to stay in toxic relationships because of no fault of their own; they are manipulated to believe that they are the ones in the wrong.

She moved to Delhi to study in a university, but he became verbally abusive on calls because she was distant from him. The breaking point for Agarwal was when he asked for intimate pictures, which made her question her self-worth. A few of her friends took a stand and told her to get out of the relationship and experience what life outside of it could be. Despite this, she took some time to make the decision.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, she went home and decided to meet him to figure things out. However, he never met her and she decided to break it off. It was the last straw as he blamed her for not putting enough effort during their confrontation.

“I cried every day after that. I was clearly depressed. I put my negative emotions on my parents as well,” she said. “A lot of people were fond of him, and they blamed me for ending the relationship because they did not believe my side of the story.”

She stood her ground and took time to rediscover herself. The pandemic gave her time to introspect. “For a long time I thought my whole identity was attached to him, but I finally developed an identity of my own. I found joy in watching sitcoms and making time for myself. And finally by being politically active, I found my voice,” she said.

Agarwal emphasises the importance of knowing how trauma bonds work. “Even if you think they are your world, the abuse is not justified. You will be better off without them. It’s not the end of the universe. You will fall in love again even if you think you won’t. And being on your own is as good.”

*Name changed upon request

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