Are You Adjusting Or Compromising In Marriage? Let’s Understand The Differences

‘Adjustment’ means a slight change made to something to make it fit, work better, or be more suitable, or the act of making such a change.

Meanwhile, ‘Compromise’ means an agreement between two sides who have different opinions, in which each side gives up something it had wanted.

Now, let’s understand how these two terms are used in real life in a marriage setup. For this, I would like to take you through an incident I have witnessed a while back.

There’s this girl I know, a journalist, who has been asked to give up on her profession and choose something “safe,” because it seems “indecent” to her would-be in-laws and husband. Because, they think this line of work will compel her to meet men and the odd working hours will apparently impact their family life.

This girl, like many of us, has grown up listening to things like, “shaadi mein thoda adjustment karna padta hai (you need to make adjustments in your marriage),” but is surrendering the work she is dedicated to “adjustment” or a “compromise”?

Think about it: If it doesn’t make her happy, will it ever lead to a happy married life?

This is not a one-off example in a marriage setup in our country. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to state that most of the women and girls have faced the same or similar incidents in their lives.

In India, “compromise” is often taken in the same tone as “adjustment.” But, their differences are as clear as a bell. Let’s understand the same via statistics, findings, and expert quotes.

Are You Adjusting Or Compromising In Marriage: Let’s talk statistics!

According to the ABCD Agency UG, which quoted a study by Casinoalpha.com in 2023, the divorce rate in India is pegged at 1%, the lowest in the world. However, a study by economists Suraj Jacob and anthropologist Sreeparna Chattopadhyay, titled Marriage dissolution in India: Evidence from census 2011, paints a contrasting picture. Their findings say the divorce rate in India is significantly and rapidly increasing.

The data from this research will blow your mind:

Approximately 1.36 million people in India were divorced between 2001 to 2011. That is equivalent to 0.24% of the married population, and 0.11% of the total population. More highly, the number of people separated is almost thrice the number of people divorced - 0.61% of the married population and 0.29% of the total population.

The aforementioned numbers are indeed alarming, indicating a dire need to address the situation. As for the reasons behind divorce, the top ones are domestic violence, extra marital affairs, financial crisis, and incompatibility.

Come to think of it, in each of these situations, the core factor is probably when one of the partners (most likely the woman) is not ready to compromise. In India, marriage as an institution is revered and divorce is stigmatised. Due to this, both partners, especially the women, are expected to follow the same old orthodox practises while balancing worklife and household responsibilities with equal ease. When they fail, lectures about how “adjustments are necessary in marriages” are thrown at them.

However, these so-called “adjustments” often end up as compromises, leading to a deep-seated frustration, isolation, and anger in the suffering party.

We spoke to Ms Sybil Shiddell, Relationship Manager, Gleeden, India to uncover the difference between these two words.

Difference Between Adjustment And Compromise

She highlighted that despite their frequent interchangeability, adjustment and compromise have some important distinctions that can help us better understand how they affect marriages.
“Adjustment is the idea that we should make minor adjustments to better suit our partner's requirements, routines, or way of life. It suggests being adaptive, flexible, and ready to accept small distinctions without sacrificing who we are,” she said.

Compromise, however, requires a little more giving up. It involves reaching a point, which frequently necessitates a major sacrifice from both parties. Sometimes compromise is essential, but if one spouse feels like they're always giving up something, it might backfire. Compromise can damage a relationship if it is overdone or unbalanced and results in sentiments of resentment or discontent.

Adapting Vs Losing

Ms Shiddell said adjusting to the beat of a new music is similar to adjusting to the beat of your marriage; it's enjoyable and occasionally difficult, but you're still you.

When you make an adjustment, you aren’t losing yourself, however, making a compromise can feel like losing the beat. If you are required to give up on something which is important to you then it's a compromise which may take up the peace from marriage.

However, when done correctly, compromise is an art form in which both parties feel appreciated and meet halfway. However, making too many sacrifices might make you feel as though you're living someone else's life, and nobody wants to march to that rhythm.

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Shared Routine Vs Stifling Ritual

Let’s agree, every marriage has routines. Changes, like agreeing on toothpaste preferences or following each other's sleep cycles, fit in well with these routines.

Ms Shiddell highlighted that making adjustments contributes to the development of a reassuring routine that is specific to your marriage. It's about figuring out who makes the bed in the morning, fighting over the remote, or sharing the last piece of pizza, those ridiculous little routines that bring you joy.

However, that cosy habit can become a stifling ritual when compromise begins to feel more like sacrifice. You don't want to feel like you're giving in all the time. Instead of being constant obstacles in the way, compromises ought to be like sweets scattered throughout the trip. To avoid letting compromise drag you down, it's essential to strike a balance between habit and personality.

Little Battles Of Love Vs The Last Straw

Marriage is a daily reminder of how diverse two people can be and still love each other. Sacrificing for minor lifestyle changes is fine but if compromise is not handled wisely, it may end up being the "last straw." Ms Shiddell mentioned that resentment can accumulate over time if one partner believes they are continuously sacrificing what is important to them.

Marriage calls for compromises from time to time, but it shouldn't get to the point where one person feels like they have to give up something all the time.

Each partner can breathe and love without feeling like they're constantly being taken advantage of in a happy marriage.

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What’s The Recipe For A Happy Marriage?

Marriage is about being mindful enough to make compromises until they’re reasonable and infrequent. So, the real question is, if compromise is clearly not the recipe to a happy marriage, what is?

Most successful marriages are those where both partners develop, evolve, and adjust while being loyal to themselves. After all, it isn't about two people losing themselves; it's about two people deciding to be together.

Though, I agree that life takes a drastic turn after marriage, what hurts the most is when a girl ends up in a toxic marriage while being unable to differentiate whether she is compromising or adjusting.

Image Courtesy: Freepik