“You are complete as an individual. Neither motherhood nor marriage defines who you are,” said Dr Falguni Vasavada while talking about the peer pressure young women face to get married and have children. In a recent interview with HerZindagi, the professor at MICA, Ahmedabad, shared her version of an ideal woman who is poles apart from how society defines her.
We have been conditioned to believe that a good mother is one who lets go of her wishes and desires to prioritise her kids. She doesn't care about having a career and individuality at the expense of ‘who would look after children at home’. She is the one who sacrifices everything and takes what is left. Her identity is confined to whose wife and mother she is. However, do we need to pile young mothers with the same expectations? It is 2023, and women need to break gender stereotypes and conditions in which we have grown.
Dr Vasavada is an Instagram influencer, a TEDx speaker and a fashionista. She is often seen posting reels that break the constructs of gender roles and inspire people to be the best versions of themselves.
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This Mother’s Day, we picked her brain for our Good Mother Project under which we are bringing to you stories of talented women and thought provokers who are vocal about their identities and prioritise themselves over everything despite all the odds and expectations that are dumped on them.
Speaking about the traditional definition of a good mother who is often showcased as a Goddess and/or superhuman, Dr Vasavada thinks that pop culture is often a mirror reflection of our society. While we continue to evolve, we still expect a mother to know everything, sacrifice everything, and have no individuality of her own.
Dr Vasavada suggested a change in the portrayal of a mother in pop culture. She should be modern so that more people can see it, be okay with it and understand that a woman and mother is a human, not superhuman. She also experiences fatigue, she has her own likes and dislikes, she loves to travel, she likes to go out on brunch with her friends, she has to have her social circle, and most importantly, she must have an identity.
The influencer believes that being a mother is on-the-job training. A woman would only get better at it with experience. Therefore, expecting her to be impeccable soon after she gives birth to a baby is burdening her with tons of expectations that can leave any person overwhelmed for a long time.
Why Is A Mom Single-Handedly Responsible For Everything?
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Dr Vasvada added with humour that a mother can also have a vitamins and minerals deficiency but she cannot lack mom guilt. In real and reel life, we have seen a woman working around the clock to keep her family happy. She is always catering to her family’s needs while sacrificing her wishes.
We have never seen a resting mother. Even though she might not be a working woman, she would be tirelessly running around the house and behind her kids. “She is single-handedly responsible for everything,” Dr Vasavada added.
She remembered a Pampers ad, which had a slogan - It takes two to make a baby, it should also take two to raise a child. Dr Vasavada believes that fathers must be equally involved in raising a child. “As a society, we need to consciously work towards reducing the load of a mother,” she added.
We Need To Discuss Equity v. Equality
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In 2018, Ashoka University released a report stating that 73% of women leave their job post embracing motherhood. Dr Vasavada shared that the reason behind this is that we are aggressively talking about equality but not equity. Women belong to the marginalised section because they entered the workforce quite late.
They have been the caregivers at home. Therefore, if you want the society to be inclusive, you have to understand the difference between equality and equity. Companies expecting the new mothers to return to work must have policies like having crèche facilities. We should be normalising fathers taking their kids to work.
Dr Vasavada stressed the fact that if women continue to take a break from their career at beginner and mid-levels, we will never be able to fill the gender employment gap at the senior, managerial and leadership levels.
She suggested women focus on careers for which they have worked hard to build and spent heftily on education. It is crucial for women to be financially independent to keep their hold high in society and preserve their individuality.
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The professor believes that working after marriage and embracing motherhood is even more crucial so that one’s identity must not get diluted amid the peer pressure to be a good wife, daughter-in-law, and mother. Having a career means a social life, financial independence, upskilling and overall personality growth. Dr Vasavada said if a mother prioritises her career, she is not being selfish.
She suggested that every mother should spend a day in a month in a spa, go out with her friends, cook or order her favourite dishes, and do whatever makes her happy, irrespective if her husband or kids like it or not.
She shared an example that her husband is not fond of music, but she finds it soulful. She does not impose it on her spouse to attend concerts with her, however, she makes sure to not miss out on the ones she wants to attend.
Women Experience Casual Sexism At Home And Office
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Women and mothers are often at the receiving end of casual sexism at workplaces as well as at home. She shared an incident when she was a 25-year-old junior lecturer.
Dr Vasavada took her tax-planning documents to an accountant. He asked, “Have you shown it to your husband?” It was offensive to her because he had no right to ask her about it.
She has also come across women who have been told that they do not need increments because it was their second income as the primary breadwinner in the family was their husband.
Dr Vasavada suggested understanding the intent with which casual sexism is hurled at women. We should address it and be vocal about it. However, she also advised us to choose our battles because it is not necessary to fight every time and everywhere.
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Motherhood Must Be A Choice
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Though Dr Vasavada is not a mother, she said it never defined her identity. A woman is complete on her own. Addressing three elephants in the room, she said that women experience peer pressure to get married, embrace motherhood, and be motherly.
According to a 2022 report by India Times, one in every 15 couples in India struggle with fertility issues. However, the pressure is more on women due to which many decide to stay in an unhappy marriage or undergo painful treatment to conceive a baby.
She feels that people often equate marriage to settling down. However, she believes that a financially independent woman taking care of herself and her needs is already settled.
Secondly, she suggested motherhood should be a choice and not a compulsion. Addressing all women, she said, “You are complete as an individual.” Neither motherhood nor marriage defines a mother. She is complete with out without these additional roles and responsibilities.
Third, Dr Vasavada stressed the need to discuss why society expects women to be motherly. “A man can be motherly too,” she added.
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In the era of robotics and artificial intelligence, we should be addressing these issues rather than putting tons of load on women to be perfect mothers. She is already impeccable and doing the best she can. She is already great.
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