Urban Women with Disabilities: Insights Into Living, Dating, Working, and Enjoying Life

Sitting in her sprawling duplex apartment in Noida, Deepa Malik proudly reiterates how despite being wheelchair-bound for many years, never stopped her pursuits; be it driving, swimming, riding a motorcycle, or earning enough to invest in multiple properties and raising two daughters. She accomplished all this, beyond what the world knows her for –g the first Indian woman to win a medal in the Paralympics.

“I used to receive compliments for how I looked, till the tumours showed up and left my body paralysed from the waist down. People immediately started saying things like “yeh toh zinda laash hai” (she is like a living corpse), ‘how will she ever do anything?’, and that ‘her dependency on other people for basic living makes her life look like hell.’,” she recalled.

Deepa is not an exception. In India, 2.21% of the total population has a disability, and out of this, 42% are females. This contributes to women with disabilities encountering more challenges, often being left out of educational opportunities. As per the Census 2011, the literacy rate for disabled women in India stands at 44.6%.

Most women living with a disability in India often face a double whammy – one due to their disability, and second due to the discrimination, stigma, and perceptions prevalent in a patriarchal society.

“In our country, even today, families mourn the birth of a girl with a dark complexion and if she has a ’disability’, the whole society makes her feel unwelcome,” said Shampa Sengupta, a gender and disability activist and founder of Sruti Disability Rights Centre. The centre works towards ensuring the rights of persons with disabilities, with a focus on inclusive education, women with disabilities and information dissemination.

To understand the diverse aspects of life as a disabled woman in India, HerZindagi spoke to women from different age groups and backgrounds.

Discrimination Starts Early

Deepa Malik, the Paralympian, recalls seeing her mother cry on many occasions in the hospital. “People would tell her, ‘ab bhagwan hi isko utha le’ (God, take her to you and relieve her), and understandably, she’d be very upset,” said Deepa. “The prevailing societal perception of disability is that it's a curse.”

Discrimination starts at birth and persists throughout life. Ira Singhal, the first disabled IAS Topper, said, “Schools constantly tell you that they cannot take you. You may have no special requirements, but you’re still not accepted.”

Ira was diagnosed with scoliosis, a spine-related disorder that disrupted her arm movement. “Right from day one, you are used to that rejection and judgement,” she added.

When children are not exposed to diversity in their growing years, the bias seeps in, making them discriminatory adults over time. “I work with children in schools, advocating for disabilities, and they’re usually the best audience and quick learners. They come up with inclusive solutions themselves,” said Gauri Gupta, a disabled 23-year-old aspiring lawyer. She conducts regular workshops in schools and other spaces, advocating for inclusivity and accessibility.

Ira added, “They look at you and decide that just because you have one disability, you have no abilities. They expect you to underperform,” she said. She further said, “This is the case with all people with disabilities. The world constantly rejects you, without allowing you to prove yourself.

Accessibility Has Improved, but Loopholes Exist

Women we spoke to harped on the fact that accessibility has increased in spaces, but loopholes still exist.

“The biggest problem with commercial places is that their washrooms mostly aren’t accessible. It’s kind of like a slap to the face because the message they’re giving is ‘You’re welcome as long as your bladder is empty,’” said Virali Modi.

Major music festivals have sign language interpreters and raised platforms dedicated to persons with disabilities. However, their approach to accessibility often falls short. While malls are designed keeping accessibility in mind, general infrastructure, such as roads and footpaths often lack the necessary accommodation.

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A post shared by Gauri Gupta (@gauriguptaa)

Gauri Gupta, a Delhi-based disabled aspiring lawyer, highlights how being independent and travelling alone is often a task due to most structures not being designed keeping ‘Disability Inclusion’ in mind. Wheelchair users often face challenges with transportation services, as cabs often refuse to accommodate the wheelchairs. Similarly, if a lift is out of order at a metro station, she is unable to take the metro as well.

X (formerly Twitter) user Kavya explained how going to watch a movie in a movie hall that purportedly had an area designated for wheelchair users turned into a nightmare, as the hall expected wheelchair users to sit on the normal seats. You can read the full story here.

I went to the movies with my family after ages in Delhi at @_PVRCinemas, Vegas Mall, Sector 14, Dwarka) because I had heard that it was wheelchair accessible and even their page on @bookmyshow said so! (1/n)

— Kavya Mukhija (@KavyaMukhija) March 1, 2022

Virali, a model, also spoke of her harrowing experience while trying to get her marriage registered at the registrar's office. She wrote about having to be carried up two flights of stairs, as the office was on the second floor, as lift was not available and the officer refused to come downstairs for signatures.

PLEASE RT!

I am disabled and I got married at the Registrars Office at Khar Mumbai on 16/10/23. The office was on the 2nd floor WITHOUT a lift. They wouldn’t come downstairs for the signatures and I had to be carried up two flights of stairs to get married. pic.twitter.com/ZNCQF3gJRY

— Virali Modi (@Virali01) October 18, 2023

Her post on X garnered traction leading to the officer eventually being suspended, as per the news reports.

Dating as a Disabled Woman in India

Dating as a disabled person, especially as a woman, invites patronising and sympathetic tones, but can also be exploratory and fun, said the women.

Speaking about her experience Virali, the wheelchair-using model, said, “People are extremely curious about the disability and how the body functions. It’s weird and difficult, but also a lot of fun.”

Kalyani Khona, who built Inclov, the dating app said, “Safety is a concern when people with disabilities go on dates, especially if they are visually impaired or wheelchair users. The situation could become very challenging in a case of physical assault or if the date gets abusive.” She added that most public spaces, like cafes and restaurants, are still not designed for people with disabilities to become independent, leading to further social isolation and bias.

She also highlights another issue she noticed – an inferiority complex making women vulnerable to scams. “Some men have a narrative that ‘despite your disability, I have chosen you’, using which they seek overcompensation, through effort or resources, from the women,” she explained.

Society often perceives dating, marriage, and motherhood to play out a certain way for disabled women. These preconceived perceptions lead to a certain conditioning of the women themselves, making them doubt their own lives.

“Due to the societal conditioning of women with disabilities, they have a lot of inhibitions on whether they can find someone, whether they can start their own families,” added Kalyani.

Struggles with Menstruation and Sexual Harassment

Beyond pain, stigma, and shame associated with periods, women with disabilities have an extra battle of managing periods by themselves.

Virali, the disabled model, said, “The biggest challenge of all, is accessibility and accessible infrastructure. Public washrooms are not accessible to people with disabilities. It’s worse when you’re a woman because we menstruate and can’t empty our bladders like men do.”

Accessibility stretches over to healthcare, resources, products, and services as well. “How many women can easily access healthcare? Medical ableism, with comments around weight and other factors related to disability often pose as hurdles when women with disabilities seek healthcare,” she highlighted.

“If we see it from a business perspective, the larger market is for women without disabilities, or ‘normal’ people,” added Gauri. “Disabled women are rarely considered as a target market. This leads to a lack of options.”

She also highlights a concern that many women with disabilities often face, where they consciously drink less water, so that they don’t have to use a washroom, when they’re outdoors. This leads to further health issues in the future.

A UN Women paper says that studies suggest that sexual harassment is the most common form of violence against women and girls and that women with disabilities experience such abuse at higher rates than women without disabilities.

Barriers posed by their disability or belonging to weaker sections of society lead to cases going unreported. A lack of comprehensive data around this, especially in India, further leads to challenges in advocacy for betterment.

Lack of Representation of Disabilities in Pop Culture

Recalling a character with a disability in popular movies, shows or advertisements proves to be a task.

“I’ve never seen someone with a disability on screen, in ads, or movies,” said Virali.

Gauri mirrors this thought while adding that such characters are only introduced as tropes to show sadness, inspiration or bring comic relief. “The first introduction to the world of fiction is usually through fairy tales, and we don’t have a single princess or character in that universe who is disabled,” she said. “Kids never get exposed to people like us, leading to further bias and discrimination. Even in general Bollywood movies, or shows, there are hardly any characters that are shown to live life normally, without the disability in focus.”

Films like ‘Guzaarish’ or ‘Black’, starring people with disabilities, were nuanced and critically acclaimed. However, their primary focal point was showing the disabilities in a negative light, and how the disability had become a tragedy in the characters’ lives. ‘Barfi’ on the other hand, often took the comical route to showcase disabilities.

Overseas, however, some shows have broken free of these stereotypical tropes. Sex Education, a show on Netflix, showcased a wheelchair-bound character in everyday life, without patronising him or trying to create sympathy for him.

One of the key motivations for Virali to take up modelling professionally, was the lack of representation in mainstream Indian media. “I wanted to be that representation for countless others who have disabilities. I always wanted positive representation instead of sob stories,” she explained. “I think the industry is getting a little more inclusive, although it’s a long road ahead.”

Intersectionality Important, When it comes to Women with Disabilities

Queer disabled people or disabled people from the lower socio-economic groups have it much harder.

“From our research and fieldwork, we have found that disabled people in general try to hide their gender identity if they don't fall into traditional binaries,” recalled Shampa, the disability and gender activist. “The reasons are obvious. It's difficult to deal with layers of discrimination.”

As we discuss in the next section, the living cost of disability is often quite high, which leads to women from marginalised groups or lower economic strata suffering more.

“Disabled people do not live single-identity lives, all awareness should be intersectional,” added Shampa.

Cost of the Disability

All of the women we spoke to agreed that the cost of lifestyle as a disabled woman can be quite high.

While basic wheelchairs cost around INR 15,000 - 20,000, for the slightly advanced ones which allow enhanced independent movement, one would have to shell out anything between INR 50,000 - 1,20,000. For motorised ones, for even easier mobility, one may even end up paying over INR 1,50,000.

Furthermore, these end up being functional only for limited periods. “Dust, pollution and our roads not being designed for wheelchairs lead to them becoming rusty very soon. The wheels get eroded quickly too. A wheelchair lasts a maximum of two years for most people,” said Gauri.

Gauri Gupta, the aspiring lawyer and disability activist, speaking at an event

Deepa Malik, the Paralympian, also highlighted the concerns that may be a drain of wealth for disabled women. “Many disabled women would need attendants, to help them bathe, put clothes on and even shift them from the wheelchair to the bed and so on. Since most spaces aren’t designed for wheelchair users, finding accommodation with adequate ramps, lifts, and space can also be a struggle, which pushes the cost higher. Diapers, adaptive clothing, and other lifestyle needs, as per personalised requirements, also push up the cost of living, for disabled women,” she explained.

“We’re Not Trying To Be Inspirational or Motivational”

A common sentiment among women is the gaze on them, that associates them with inspiration and motivation.

“Sympathy is something that we don’t need. We’re not your inspiration porn either,” said Virali, the wheelchair model. “We’re normal individuals who have a disability and we’re trying the best that we can with whatever was handed to us. If you were in the same position, you’d do the same, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want sympathy. Treat us the same way.”

Gauri, the aspiring lawyer and activist, mirrored her thoughts. “We’ve made a disability such an evil thing, that we’re not ready to look past it at all. Everything we do is looked at as we did it ‘despite’ the disability,” she said. She said that her going about her life, trying to make the most of her life shouldn’t be viewed as something so miraculous. “Why should I exist to inspire anyone else? I’m here on earth for my own experiences,” she said.

She says, the fact that disabled women are still struggling to find basic access needs fulfilled, is a matter of shame and nothing to be inspired by.

On the other hand, Deepa felt that sharing her achievements and accolades has often inspired and motivated many, and she hopes it continues to do so.

The Way Forward

Being inclusive needs to be a mandate, the women agree, not only because some people need it, but people may encounter handicaps or disabilities even later on in life.

“I think both workplaces and outdoor spaces need to question themselves, try to learn from lived-in experiences of diverse people, consult them on how to make spaces accessible and barrier-free for all,” said Shampa, the disability and gender activist.

Gauri reiterates that a lot of us hope people will become more aware, and question urban spaces and that’ll lead to change on a broader scale. She also says that everyone needs to be exposed to disabilities, through books, cartoons and other mediums, so that nobody grows up to become discriminatory or biased.