Part Of A ‘Throuple’ Beyond Gender Binaries, Tanisha RK Says Sex Ed. Is About Pleasure

“Love is love.” We all have heard this but find it hard to practise it. Everyone has their own definition of love but Tanisha RK, co-founder of the Sangya Project that works towards awareness about gender identity and the LGBTQ community, sees love as acceptance first of all.

Now part of a ‘throuple’ with a married couple, they want society to break free from stereotypes and binaries.

Struggle With Gender Identity

Caption: Tanisha With Their Partner Shweta

Growing up in a loving family, Tanisha did not know until the age of about 12 how to define their own identity, because they could not fit into the girl/boy binary. “It was difficult because I did not know the language for how I felt. But I knew that I felt different,” said Tanisha, whom society saw only as a girl.

It was not until 16 that they could explicitly say that they were non-binary and bisexual.

Unlike most teenagers, Tanisha did not have crushes, friends and relationships. But their privilege was the internet, where the discourse around LGBTQ issues was open.

Now 28 years old and an entrepreneur, Tanisha gives credit to their sister, who knew before them that they did not fall into the “standard” and “ideal” construct of binaries.

It helped that their parents knew about the hardships of the queer community. “Queer people are normal,” Tanisha’s father told them.

The Language Of Queer Folks

“The only word I knew to describe myself was ‘tomboy’,” Tanisha said.

Tanisha’s parents tried to make them understand about transgender people, but the parents’ knowledge was limited.

It was only in the late teens and early 20s that Tanisha researched more on the LGBTQ community. “I learnt from there how complicated gender identities can be for some people.” It was an epiphany.

Accepting Identity With Grace

Caption: Tanisha With Their Partner Aashish

Tanisha was never uncomfortable with their body. While the world has a set idea that only transgender people undergo medical procedures to change their appearance, Tanisha saw themselves as a combination of many gender identities. They were sure that surgical procedures would not be a part of their transition.

They might be open to the idea of taking testosterone supplements to make their body appear more masculine. “I haven’t ruled it (testosterone supplements) out completely even today. I am still figuring out what I feel about hormonal replacement therapy.”

Since Tanisha started working out, they have noticed their body getting bulkier, more muscular, and heavier. They are liking it.

By their 20s, Tanisha had everything else figured out except their identity. They had the privilege of reading, writing, and understanding English, which helped them make sense of the information on gender identities.

Relationship That Shattered Confidence

“My first relationship was emotionally abusive. He did not want to let go and I was done with the long-distance relationship.” It was traumatising at the age of 16.

There were other partners who made Tanisha feel controlled, making it difficult for them to imagine a safe relationship. They thought that they were worthy of love only if they acted a little more feminine or “womanly”.

In 2017, Tanisha experienced sexual assault while studying in Australia. It was because of their race and gender identity. The same person had sexual encounters with other girls on the campus, but he was more respectful towards them. “With me, it happened without my consent.”

How Power, Race And Gender Identity Impacted Their Sexual Experience

Caption: Tanisha With Their Partners Shweta & Aashish

“Some of our mutual white friends took his side and made it sound like I was exaggerating it and making it sound worse than it actually was.”

Victim-blaming made Tanisha question themselves. However, when Tanisha opened up with some of their Indian friends, they convinced Tanisha that it was not their fault, and the perpetrator must be questioned.

Amid all this, Tanisha realised how social and gender identities also twist the conversation around consent. “It was easier for my white friends to take his side because they were able to relate with him (perpetrator). He was more familiar to them than I was.”

Tanisha observed how power, race, gender identity and consent play a huge role in a person’s sexual encounters and intimate moments. They decided to come back to India and work as a social impact researcher in mental and sexual health.

Tanisha decided to do comprehensive training in sex education and thought about the Sangya Project.

It offers people the right tools to understand their identities and explore sexualities which they could not while growing up.

Caste Is A Factor Too

Tanisha RK’S caste is categorised under OBC (Other Backward Classes). They were not aware of the country's Ambedkarite community as a child, but knew how society treats OBCs. They pointed out that people could not identify their caste because of the neighbourhood they lived in and the school they attended.

Oblivious to their Bahujan identity, people often threw remarks about the community which were inappropriate and would hurt Tanisha. Their economic and educational privilege often shielded them from the same fate met by many underprivileged people, who often are victims of caste-based violence.

Gender Identity & Family Dynamics

Caption: Tanisha With Their Partner Shweta

Tanisha shared their identity with their parents at the age of 23.

It was a little hard for their family to process everything followed by the worry about their kid being queer in a country and community where anything apart from binary is labelled “abnormal”.

Tanisha’s parents also realised their kid would not have a “normal” family life.

“My father being the man he is, well-versed with queer identities said, ‘Tanisha, you cannot have a life where your husband would take care of certain things. You have to be your own person. You have to be financially independent, socially secure and take care of your physical and mental health.’”

Exploring Relationships Out Of Binary Boundaries

Tanisha met Aashish Mehrotra, who eventually became a co-founder of Sangya Project, and their equation developed. Shweta Sangtani, also a co-founder of Sangya Project and Mehrotra’s wife, knew about it. Eventually and naturally, Tanisha and Shweta also grew closer.

Over a couple of years, the three of them have grown closer and share a healthy relationship, Tanisha said.

The throuple was recently featured in Vogue where they mentioned that the idea to collaborate for Sangya Project was because they realised that no piece of paper could have all three of them mentioned as next of kin in equal capacity.

It also bugs Tanisha when people think that they and Shweta have a relationship with Aashish only. “Shweta and I have our relationship on the side. We spend time and share a romantic bond too.”

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Know Sangya Project

Caption: Tanisha With Their Partner Aashish

This project has always been Tanisha’s baby, Aashish told us. Before, Tanisha was associated with many schools that wanted their students to attend sex education classes.

“The more stakeholders get involved in it, the more censorship gets introduced,” Tanisha said. Though they said it is fine that parents should know what is in the syllabus, they added that kids are usually about sex and contraception by inducing fear in them.

They are often told that the best way to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases is to not have sex at all.

“You are saying that the best way to prevent an accident is by never crossing a road. They will cross the road, they have to, and they will decide how they want to cross it. You cannot decide for them. You cannot scare them to stay at home and never cross the road,” they said.

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Pleasure & Curiosity Should Take Over Fear & Consequences

He added that the mentality needs to change. “There is a need for a shift from fear and consequences to pleasure and curiosity.”

In rural areas, women cannot describe the problem in their genital area but rather say that they are experiencing back pain.

“We need to make sex education more accessible.” Tanisha said there is a need to divert the focus from just educating kids to also teaching adults about sex. Therefore, the idea of the Sangya Project also includes helping adults and young people.

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“They should have the right answers, and they should be able to answer queries without inhibitions. They should be able to tell their children how to have sex and experience pleasure in a safer way.”