Stuck In A Toxic Situationship? Mental Health Expert Shares What Is It, How To Move On, And More

So, if you've been in a romantically ambiguous situationship for months, told your ‘partner’ you love them, and then found yourself crying yourself to sleep after they rejected you, it's time to move on. We spoke to Dr Arvind Otta, Senior Psychologist and Mental Health Activist, to explore how toxic a situationship can be and how to move on if you're stuck in one.

How To Know You're In A Toxic Situationship?

In theory, the progression of a relationship is simple: when two people meet and casually chat before deciding to go on a date, they’re ‘talking.’ If they start dating but aren’t yet sure if they want to commit, they’re simply ‘dating.’ When there's physical intimacy or dating without any defined relationship status, it’s called a ‘situationship.’

However, a situationship, which might initially seem casual, can quickly turn toxic if certain red flags appear. Recognising these signs early can help individuals make informed decisions about their relationships. According to Dr Otta, here are a few signs that indicate a situationship has turned toxic:

• One-Sidedness: This imbalance occurs when one partner is putting significantly more effort into making plans or meeting the other's needs. This dynamic can leave one person feeling devalued and taken for granted, which can negatively impact emotional well-being.
• Constant Speculation: If you're frequently wondering, ‘So, where are we in our relationship?’ or asking, ‘What are we?’ It suggests a lack of clarity and certainty about feelings and intentions. This uncertainty can lead to frustration and confusion, rather than clear answers.
• Last-Minute Plans: If your partner only reaches out with last-minute plans, it could be a sign you're not their top priority. Discussions about seeing other people without establishing clear boundaries or commitments might indicate that one party isn’t fully invested in the relationship.
• Amplified Stress and Passive-Aggression: Constant stress or anxiety is a red flag. A healthy relationship should enhance mental well-being, not cause emotional turmoil. Passive-aggressive behaviour, where one partner pressures the other to agree or comply without considering their feelings, suggests a lack of flexibility and openness.

How Can A Toxic Situationship Affect Mental Health And Self Esteem?

The potential impact of a toxic situationship on mental health and self-esteem is significant. Dr Otta explains how the ambiguous and uncommitted nature of such relationships can negatively influence an individual's mental well-being:

• Anxietyand Ambiguity: The uncertainty surrounding the relationship in a situationship can create constant anxiety. People often feel the need to define the other person's future role in their life, which can lead to insecurity and stress. This lack of clarity makes it difficult to feel emotionally stable.

  A study published in The International Journal of Indian Psychology stated, "The absence of rules can create uncertainty and anxiety, making it a delicate situation. While situationships offer less responsibility, they can also lead to stress and mental health problems."

• Solitude: Even when in a situationship, individuals may feel emotionally isolated. The absence of genuine emotional connection can make one feel alone, even if they’re with someone. This feeling of emptiness can become more pronounced when one partner is seeking a deeper connection while the other prefers to keep things casual.
• Lower Self-Confidence: The emotional ups and downs of a situationship can make one partner feel unworthy of commitment, leading to self-doubt. If one person’s hesitation to commit is perceived as a reflection of their inadequacy, it can harm self-esteem and fuel negative self-talk.
• Emotional Instability: A toxic situationship often brings extreme emotional highs and lows, leaving individuals feeling emotionally drained. The unpredictability of the relationship can prevent emotional stability and lead to overwhelming experiences of frustration and sadness.
• Shame, Guilt, and Manipulation: Engaging in a physical relationship without commitment can lead to feelings of guilt, particularly when desires conflict with personal values. Manipulative behaviours, such as 'breadcrumbing' (giving minimal attention to keep the other person engaged), can exacerbate feelings of jealousy and insecurity, creating a toxic cycle that damages emotional well-being and self-esteem.

Why Is It Hard To Leave A Toxic Situationship?

Trust me, we've all been there. Once you get caught in a toxic situationship, it's tough to break free. When we asked Dr Otta about this, he said, "Breaking free from a toxic situationship is hard because of emotional, psychological, and social factors." Here are some reasons why people stay in unhealthy dynamics:

• Emotional Attachment: Over time, shared experiences and intimacy create a strong emotional bond, making it hard to imagine life without the other person. This attachment creates a fear of loss, keeping individuals stuck.
• Hope for Change: Many stay because they hope their partner will eventually change or commit. They convince themselves that their partner will see their worth in time, leading them to wait rather than walk away.
• Fear of Loneliness: The fear of being alone often outweighs the discomfort of staying in an unhealthy relationship. Societal pressure and stigma around being single can make people stay longer than they should.
• Low Self-Esteem: Toxic situationships can lower self-esteem, making individuals feel undeserving of better treatment. They internalise the belief that they are unworthy of healthier relationships, trapping them in the dynamic.
• Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance occurs when one's belief about being worthy of love conflicts with neglect or manipulation. People rationalise their partner's abusive behaviour, and external validation from friends or family can sometimes downplay the toxicity, further enabling the unhealthy situation.

How To Avoid A Toxic Situationship?

Dr. Otta emphasises that preventing toxic situationships requires intentionality and self-awareness. Here are some ways to avoid falling into a situationship:

• Establish Clear Intentions: Know what you want from a relationship before entering one. Be upfront about whether you're seeking something casual or more committed to avoid misunderstandings that could lead to toxicity.
• Openly Communicate: Effective communication is key to a healthy relationship. Be clear about your needs, expectations, and boundaries, and discuss appropriate behaviours with your partner to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings down the line.
• Identify Red Flags Early: Recognise warning signs that might indicate a toxic situationship, such as inconsistent communication, secrecy, or a focus on physical intimacy without emotional connection. Early recognition helps avoid unhealthy relationships.
• Healthy Boundary Setting: Regularly assess your feelings and experiences to ensure you feel valued and respected. Set clear boundaries around acceptable behaviour and stick to them to protect your emotional well-being.

It's crucial to take the time to reflect on what you truly want. Ask yourself: Are you okay with your partner dating other people? If your answer is ‘no,’ it might be time to make a change. A more empowering approach is to envision the kind of relationship you desire and share that vision with your partner. Give them the opportunity to consider whether they can meet your needs. If they’re willing to meet you halfway, that’s great. If not, it’s a sign that you’re better off without them.

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