Friends With Benefits: Dos, Don’ts, And How To Make It Work Without The Drama- Psychotherapist Explains

FWB dynamics are rarely just about casual sex. They require careful consideration, clear boundaries, and honest communication to truly work without drama. Sure, you might picture steamy encounters followed by a carefree goodbye until the next time, but in practise, things can get a lot messier if expectations aren’t aligned.

To help you navigate this tricky yet tempting terrain, we reached out to Dr Chandni Tugnait, MD (A.M), Psychotherapist, Life Alchemist, Coach & Healer, and Founder & Director of Gateway of Healing. Dr Tugnait shared some crucial dos and don’ts to keep in mind if you’re considering or are already in a friends-with-benefits setup.

Ground Rules Before Entering Into A Friends With Benefits Arrangement

According to Dr Chandni Tugnait, any friends-with-benefits arrangement hinges on transparent communication, regular emotional check-ins, and clearly defined boundaries. From exclusivity preferences to health protocols, every aspect requires mutual agreement to ensure trust and harmony. Here's a breakdown of her expert-recommended fundamentals and often-overlooked ground rules:

Fundamentals To Set The Stage

• Exclusivity: Decide upfront whether the arrangement is exclusive or open.
• Meeting Frequency: Agree on how often you’ll meet and set expectations for communication.
• Health and Safety: Prioritise regular testing and safe sex practises.
• Privacy Boundaries: Define how public or discreet the relationship will be, especially within shared social circles.

Often-Overlooked Ground Rules for Long-Term Success

1. Digital Identity Protocol

• Set clear boundaries for your online presence.
• Agree on untagging policies for social media, location-sharing during meetups, and whether dating app activity is acceptable.
• These measures help maintain privacy and prevent future complications.

2. Recovery Period Agreement

• If the arrangement ends, take a 30-45 day break before transitioning back to a regular friendship.
• This cooling-off period allows emotional boundaries to reset, reducing awkwardness.

3. Growth Support Pact

• Encourage each other’s personal development and future relationships.
• Commit to honest conversations about promising romantic prospects or areas for self-improvement, free from jealousy or possessiveness.

4. Memory Management System

• Set rules for handling shared intimate content.
• Agree on timelines for deleting sensitive materials and avoid referencing past experiences that might complicate future relationships.

How To Maintain A Healthy And Respectful Friends With Benefits Relationship?

Dr Chandni Tugnait shares key strategies to ensure a friends-with-benefits relationship remains respectful and fulfilling while preserving the underlying friendship:

1. Create Memory-Free Zones

Designate specific places or activities that are strictly non-intimate. For example, keep coffee shop visits or workout sessions purely platonic. These neutral spaces help sustain the friendship dynamic without the influence of physical intimacy.

2. Practise ‘Future-Partner Empathy’

When making decisions about your arrangement, think about how you’d feel if a future romantic partner made similar choices. This perspective promotes decisions that safeguard both parties' emotional well-being and prevent complications in future relationships.

3. Develop a ‘Growth Tracking System’

Treat your partner as an accountability buddy by sharing personal development goals, whether they’re career-related, fitness milestones, or creative projects. Supporting each other’s growth reinforces the friendship and keeps personal aspirations at the forefront.

4. Maintain a ‘Friendship First’ Calendar

Schedule platonic activities, such as outings or hobbies, before planning intimate meetups each month. This ensures that the friendship takes precedence, preventing the relationship from becoming exclusively physical and maintaining a healthy emotional balance.

5. Implement the ‘Future Self Check’

Periodically reflect on how your current actions might affect the friendship six months down the line. This forward-thinking mindset helps maintain boundaries and protects the long-term quality of your relationship.

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Red Flags To Watch For In A FWB Situation

Dr Tugnait highlights several red flags to look out for in a friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationship, signalling that emotional boundaries may be shifting or expectations misaligning:

• If you’re constantly monitoring their online status, message response times, or weekend plans, especially feeling anxious about their inactivity, it’s a sign of emotional overinvestment that goes beyond the casual nature of FWB.
• Manipulating group hangouts to ensure more contact or feeling irritated when they bond with other friends, especially romantic prospects, suggests unhealthy interference in their personal lives. An FWB arrangement should not disrupt natural social dynamics.
• When discussions shift from lighthearted updates to deeply personal topics like plans, family issues, or emotional processing, it may indicate romantic attachment is forming. While sharing is a part of friendship, excessive emotional intimacy can blur boundaries.
• Frequently replaying shared moments, saving their messages, or imagining future scenarios together points to a romanticising of casual interactions, which can undermine the no-strings-attached agreement.
• Testing their loyalty through subtle manipulations, such as mentioning other partners to gauge their reaction or creating situations to test their availability, reflects possessiveness that’s incompatible with a casual setup.
• Feeling anxious about the temporary nature of the arrangement and focusing more on ‘what’s next’ rather than enjoying the present signals mismatched expectations and emotional entanglement.

What Factors Should Someone Consider Before Entering Into A FWB?

Thriving in a friends-with-benefits (FWB) arrangement requires a unique blend of emotional self-awareness, clear personal boundaries, and the ability to separate intimacy from romantic attachment. Dr Chandni says, “People who succeed in these dynamics often have a deep understanding of their emotional triggers and can effectively communicate their needs without hesitation. They approach the arrangement with clarity, recognising it as a temporary setup rather than a path to deeper commitment.”

Life circumstances also play a critical role. Those in transitional phases—whether focusing on their career, recovering from a past relationship, or temporarily living in a new location—often find the flexibility of FWB arrangements aligns with their needs. However, they also possess enough emotional stability to handle any potential complications without it disrupting their lives.

Dr Chandni further said, “People who thrive in FWB setups are typically direct communicators, valuing honesty and openness over avoiding tough conversations. They’re unafraid to address boundaries and expectations, ensuring both parties remain on the same page. Importantly, they lead fulfilling lives outside the arrangement, with diverse interests and strong support systems, preventing emotional overdependence on the dynamic.”

However, individuals who have a pattern of becoming overly attached in casual contexts may find it harder to maintain the emotional detachment necessary for a successful FWB relationship.

Ultimately, what distinguishes those who thrive in these dynamics is a healthy sense of self-worth. They view the arrangement as a choice that doesn’t define their value or diminish their potential for meaningful relationships in the future. For them, FWB is simply a way to enjoy intimacy on their terms, without sacrificing emotional balance or personal priorities.

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