Becoming Ella: A Story of Transition and Truth

Story By: Rupsha Bhadra

Her name, she says, was something she always liked: Dev Verma. Now, she goes by Ella D Verma, where the “D” is a quiet tribute to the boy she once was, and ‘Ella’ is for the girl she always knew she’d become.

When she walks into our office in a sky blue saree, her confidence and grace are the first things that catch one's eye. We discuss make-up ideas for the shoot, and its quickly evident that she knows her own facial features and make-up aesthetic best. She stands steadfast against a bold lip with a certain look, and against a certain hairdo for another.

Yet, she's chirpy and chatty. Cracking into jokes often and being open to experimenting with poses, she puts everyone at ease in the room. She's a natural in front of the camera, flirting effortlessly with the lens from the moment we start shooting.

Ella always remembers feeling like a girl, right from childhood. “It actually started to hit me when boys and girls were asked to use separate lanes, or be divided into different groups during sports and other activities in school. I would want to join one, but I would be expected to join the other. Even then, I thought I would magically just grow up and be a woman,” she said.

Growing up trans in an Indian Joint Family

For most of her childhood, Ella's family remained largely silent about her growing interest in what they saw as “feminine” things. She was a sensitive and kind kid, living in a joint family, and people avoided saying much to her.

It was later, when she was around 15 years old, that they started saying she shouldn’t walk a certain way, dress a certain way, or make certain gestures. “It was a reaction to my general flamboyance, talking with my hands, tweezing my eyebrows, and having predominantly female friends,” she recalled.

“You’re seen to be a child, and then a young man. But for me, there were no signs of the young man. That’s when people started to notice and realise.”

Her first feeling was a sense of betrayal.

“I always knew something was off. I knew that I did not please people as a boy. So I overcompensated through academics, co-curriculars and other activities, where I excelled. I felt like it was my way of saying, ‘okay, I can’t be a macho guy, but I have so many trophies to make up for it.’ So I felt betrayed when, despite my efforts at other things, people still asked me to ‘man up’,” she explained.

Ella highlights, often through the conversation, that she grew up with a kind family where parents were largely good at parenting, and trying their best with the knowledge they had. There was no hostility or violence, even through the tough patches of coming to terms with a new reality. She continues to live in Delhi with her parents and her sister.

Ella decided to come out to her mother first, but it took many rounds of trying to have the conversation, chickening out, and trying again. “Till one day, when I tried to say that I didn’t like girls romantically, my mom asked if I was gay. At that point, I decided to say yes and run with it. I thought it would be too much information if I tried to say I was trans, so I decided to see what they’ll say if they just knew that I was gay.”

What followed was a series of visits to doctors to try and “fix” her. One doctor even did a physical examination to see if her parts worked fine. Eventually, the doctors said that there was nothing wrong and directed her parents to therapists and psychiatrists.

Puberty brought a harsh awakening. Facial hair began to grow, her shoulders broadened, and her voice deepened.

“That’s when I felt really lost. So far, it had only been people at school making fun or my parents being disappointed in me. Now it felt like my own body had turned against me.”

Her friendships began to unravel. She started avoiding activities she once enjoyed, like being on the stage, as she disliked the sound of her own voice. Eventually, she was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. That’s when she sat her mother down and explained that she needed to transition.

But in India, medical transition is legally restricted for aged 18 and above. So for the next two to three years, she endured a silent agony, hating her body, which kept swiftly changing in ways that felt more and more alien, unable to begin hormonal or medical treatment until she reached adulthood.

Ella is presently preparing for her SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery).

Getting into Content Creation

Ella casually mentions, in the midst of this, how all of this feels very alien to her now. “Sometimes I look at a picture pre-transition, and think, oh, I really had a whole other life!” she said.

The pandemic hit in her last year of school. That’s when she started her social transition at home. “I would put on make-up, dress up, grow my hair, and it was comforting that I didn’t have to face the outside world, while doing this,” she said.

She began sharing her makeup looks on social media, but kept everything else hidden. She never spoke on camera, never showed more than her face. Deep down, she feared that if people discovered the truth, they'd accuse her of faking it the entire time.

It was only when she mustered the courage to speak in her videos that her content creation journey really blew up. “People liked what I had to say, they thought I was funny, and surprisingly enough, they loved my voice,” smiled Ella.

“Online was the only space where my femininity was being complimented. People on the internet accepted me as a woman, before I fully did.”

Soon enough, brand deals started flowing in. However, due to the dichotomy of being ridiculed for the same things that were being celebrated online, she started suffering from imposter syndrome.

“I kept turning down brand deals,” she said, “because I thought I was carrying this big, big secret—that in real life, I was just this, you know, loser. I felt like I had somehow fooled everyone into thinking I was good-looking, talented, and creative online. And if I ever stepped out and someone who followed me saw me in person, the whole illusion would shatter.”

It’s commonly known that content creators get hate and trolling online. “Add the transgender label to that, and it becomes tenfold crazier,” smirked Ella. Yet it didn’t break her.

“There’s nothing anyone can say online that I haven’t already heard in real life—from school kids or even my own family. It was rough, but it gave me this thick skin.”

When she did get into doing brand deals, she didn’t know how to negotiate rates. It was only by chance that she was approached by an agency to manage her, and that eventually led to a significant inflow of money and stability.

Dating

Ella was never attracted to women, but she consciously chose not to date at all, till she transitioned.

“One of the best parts of being in a relationship is the physical intimacy,” she said. “But being in a body I wasn’t comfortable with made the idea of sharing it with someone else feel completely out of the question.”

Her first kiss was at 18, with her first boyfriend.

Most of her early dating experiences were online, and it was complex to navigate through them. Some people would talk and flirt with her extensively, and then re-read her profile bio to find out she’s trans, and then walk away. Some would only show interest in her to explore a fetish of their own.

When it came to men, she struggled to see them as romantic or loving figures. “For the first 18 or 19 years of my life, men were almost a predatory presence,” she explains. “The only things I ever received from them were criticism, bullying, name-calling, or just coldness and distance.”

Suddenly, there had been a shift, and men were showering her with compliments and romantic interest, and it felt odd to deal with it all. “It was hard to accept love—especially from a source it had never come from before,” she says. “Men being nice, romantic, or caring was just very, very unnatural to me.” As a result, she admits, she often pushed love away, unintentionally sabotaging early relationships where partners were trying to be genuinely kind.

Today, Ella is in a loving long-distance relationship and confirms being in a “honeymoon phase” in a giggly, happy way.

Ella strives to be honest, open and vulnerable on her page, and hopes that “somebody somewhere is touched by it and that they're reminded that they're not alone.”

For her, living her truth is no longer scary. It’s her purpose and her whole life.